I think there is often some ‘saving power’ left when things go awry. I obsess of it, especially when I’ve invested my whole being into it’s past. I think of all the ways I can save it. I spend hours online looking up flight information, jobs in other cities, the possibility of transferring to other schools. I think to myself, just how bad would it actually be if I changed my lifestyle again? I wouldn’t die obviously. There are choices to be made, and I can make them. The saving power is in the action itself, so long as I am able to be able. And after hours of obsessing, I mentally and emotionally break down, and I realize that I’m possibly fooling myself. And I shut it all down only to return to the same obsession the next day. Maybe I’m too full of hope; there’s too much of it. I’m suppose to take responsibility of actions which sometimes implies simple endurance of a mess. This is the same line of reasoning that ‘pro-lifers’ tell women who have unwanted pregnancies. They tell them to take responsibility for their actions and deliver their child after 9 months. Now I’m not definitely comparing myself to a pregnant woman. That line of reasoning just seems to overlap from issue to issue. It just doesn’t seem clear how we interpret ‘taking responsibility’ in our decisions. Is it defined as accepting our actions? Or is it defined as taking new actions to correct or alter? Maybe it depends on how much you believe you have or should have control. I don’t know… I just know that it hurts to have worsened something than it already is/was. It hurts even more to wake up and officially lose a huge chunk/portion of your overall meaning for waking up. As soon as I woke up, I remembered one of the most important thing I lost. And I’ll remember it tomorrow morning. And the morning after that. And the morning after that…I’ll never be able to forgive myself.
I’m not really that good in studying philosophy, and I’m probably not that good in anything else either.
I hate having to look for words in my head because everything is just a vague idea of a thing with accompanying vague hand motions.